Of Stools And Shakespeare Fetishes
by demigod4ever123
Summary: Remus has a Shakespeare fetish. Also, Sirius gets angry whenever people try to flirt with Moony. And no, he's not jealous. ...Okay, he so totally is. Birthday present for Padfoot's Blondie! RnR?


**A/N: Hey, all! I'm baaaaaack! LOL, be very afraid. Or excited. It depends if you actually like my writing. For those of you guys who like my writing, I'm glad I can put a smile on your faces. Wow, that sounded better in my head and um, less cheesy. Ah, well. So, this isn't dedicated to anyone. It's actually a giftfic to Margie! (AKA Padfoot's Blondie.) And all of you should wish her a happy birthday! Because she's that awesome. So, Marge, here you are!**

**Disclaimer: I'm flattered that you all think I wrote Harry Potter. Seriously, I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore (Fuck it all, it's summer!). What makes you think I'd be dedicated enough to write a book series with **_**seven**_** books? *Gasps* Look, the power of **_**logic**_**! So, um, yeah, I don't own Harry Potter. **

…

This was not expected. At all. Sirius Black put his head in his hands and sighed, loudly. It was such a great idea. Really, it was. But this, _this_? It was unexpected, to say the least.

When Sirius had told the entire Gryffindor Common Room that Moony had a Shakespeare fetish, he'd expected them to laugh and take the mickey out of the lovable bookworm.

He never expected this. Never.

…

Remus Lupin was settled into a red, squashy armchair, with a cup of tea and a copy of _A Winter's Tale._ The fire was crackling, and the Gryffindor Common room was actually slightly peaceful. He took a look around, surveying the room. First and Second Years were in one corner, playing Gobstones. A group of Third Years was building a tower out of cards used for playing Exploding Snap. Three or Fourth Years looked on in amusement, while others were writing essays. A few Fifth Years were studying, and some Sixth Years, like himself, were relaxing. Two Seventh Years were watching all of this, and talking, while sitting on the couch. Remus smiled, and opened up to his page and began to read, when his book was suddenly yanked from his grasp. Remus didn't have to look up to know who'd taken his tome. "Pads, give me my book."

"But Moons, I'm bored. Why do you want this musty old book, anyway? Got a thing for the author?" teased Sirius.

Remus blushed, "No."

"I think you've got a Shakespeare fetish," laughed Sirius jokingly. Remus turned red. "Oh, you do!" cried Sirius. _Excellent, that information will come in handy… _"You, Mr. Moony, are a pervert."

"_Me_? _I'm_ a pervert? I don't flirt with everything on legs, Pads. That's you. Didn't you offer yourself to a couch once?"

"It was a stool," mumbled Sirius. He'd been drunk, and that stool had been looking at him in _that way_, and yeah… And now no one had ever let him forget it. The Marauders constantly took the piss out of him for it.

"… OI EVERYONE! SIRIUS OFFERED HIMSELF TO A STOOL ONCE!" shouted Remus. The Common Room, which was previously bustling with activity, froze. Everyone began to chuckle.

"Best hide your stools, mates," laughed Marlene McKinnon.

"Well… well, REMUS HAS A SHAKESPEARE FETISH!" Sirius declared smugly, thinking people would be more shocked by _that_. Oh, how wrong he was.

Silence. And then, "I say, that's kind of hot." People began to agree, and then began turning back to their activities.

Sirius was baffled. _What? Oh well, they'll see the hilarity sooner or later, _he thought. _They have to. _

…

However, no one saw the hilarity. As people heard about Remus' fetish, girls and boys began to approach the young werewolf, using Shakespeare references in order to try to take away Remy's innocence. And, as his best friend, Sirius naturally had to yank those people away from Remus, chase them away, or (his favorite) hex them.

What? He was just being a good friend. Besides, he couldn't let them take Remus from him… The Marauders! He belonged with the Marauders, and with Sirius. And um, James and Peter too.

…

"Hey, Remus, you be Romeo, I'll be Juliet?" asked a Ravenclaw during lunch one day. She'd walked up to their table, and had the nerve, the _audacity_, to talk to his Remus. _Wait, mine? What?_ Sirius shrugged it off and got ready to watch Remus politely tell her to bugger off.

Remus grinned, "Nice to see you too, Faye. And as tempting as that is, you're too pretty to die on my behalf, darling."

She blushed and giggled behind her hand. "You think I'm pretty?"

Sirius saw Remus look over the girl, head to toe. Sirius supposed she was, with dark curls, hazel eyes, and tan skin. But, she looked like a pixie, just a little. Still, Remus replied, "Of course, m'lady."

Sirius seethed, leaned over the table to hiss, "_So _sorry to interrupt you two, but Remus and I simply must be going." He grabbed Remus' hand, without thinking, and pulled the other boy along, while shooting Faye death glares over his shoulder.

…

Sirius thought it would be a one-time thing, but it happened again in Herbology. Remus and Sirius were working together, when a blushing Hufflepuff stumbled over to their table, and asked, "Can I borrow your spears?"

Remus politely handed them to the girl who Sirius was sure he'd dated at some point. Penny, was her name? "Here you are, Penny," smiled Remus. Aha, it was! Sirius was so smart. And Remus was really adorable when he smiled. How had Sirius never noticed it? He was so lost in his fangirling over Remus' smile, he didn't notice what was happening right in front of his face.

Penny took the spears from Remus, and 'accidentally' brushed his hand with hers. Then, she took his hand into hers, and whispered, _"If I profane with my unworthiest hand  
>This holy shrine, whose gentle sin is this:<br>My lips, two blushing pilgrims stand,  
>To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss<em>."

Remus grinned, and replied, "_Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,  
>Whose mannerly devotion shows in this.<br>For saints have hands that pilgrims hands do touch,  
>And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss<em>."

"_Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too_?" asked Penny, looking up at him, a faint blush painting her cheeks.

"_Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer_," answered Remus.

"_O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.  
>They pray: grant thou, lest faith turn to despair<em>."

"_Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake_."

"_Then move not while my prayer's effect I take_," whispered Penny. She looked like she was about to kiss Remus.

Sirius snapped back into focus as he saw Penny leaning closer to his Remus. He couldn't let that wench kiss Remus! It couldn't happen. He couldn't let it. But what could he do? The son of a bitch plant kept attacking him while Sirius was zoning out, and Sirius wanted to punch it. _Wait, that's it, _he thought_. _Sirius sacrificed his manliness, and let the plant wind itself around his hand and crawl up his amazingly toned, sexy, beautiful arm. "Remus! This plant is attacking me! Could you be a dear and help me _burn this beast_?" Sirius emphasized the last three words while looking directly at Penny.

She turned white instantly and was about to turn away and run, when Remus said, "Thank you for that. It was refreshing."

"Oh, it was nothing," she said. Then, Remy took her hand and kissed it. "Next time though, you can be the male character," she laughed, but her cheeks were pink.

"I'd like that."

Sirius growled. "Remy? A little help?" _He kissed her hand! What? _

"'Course, Siri," said Remus as he turned to Sirius to help.

…

Sirius was so sick of the entire student body, (and some of the teachers cough_Flitwick_cough_Sinistra_cough_Dumbledore_coughcough… What?) trying to bed Remus. He was so sure it would be funny. He had expected people to take this piss out of Remus. It was such a great idea! But no, no, his life was not a movie, so things didn't go the way he planned.

…There was another girl trying to flirt with Remus. And _there _was a boy, reading some work by Shakespeare in a loud voice over by the Ravenclaw table. God, people were pathetic.

And _maybe _Sirius was a little jealous. Maybe. Okay, so he was a lot jealous. He didn't really know why though. He was _Moony_, for Merlin's sak-

Oh. Bloody. Hell.

He fancied Remus. He fucking fancied the pants off his completely heterosexual best mate. (_Wait, don't think about Remus with no pants… Too late._)

He was interrupted in his pondering as someone stuck their hand in front of his face and waved it obnox- Oh, it was Remus. Never mind then. "You alright, Pads? You look like someone told you that no one thinks you're sexy." Remus was looking at him with concern in his eyes, _those amber eyes_.

"Do I? Oh, um, that's… Wait, what? But, I'm gorgeous! I-I am. You think so, right Rem?"

Remus smiled at him, and said, "Course I do, Siri."

Sirius almost fainted.

…

"My, my, Moony. You're quite popular among the birds, aren't you?" asked Sirius about a week after the erm, announcement. Remus was sitting at a desk, writing an essay. People were _still_ trying to get into Remus' pants using lines from those plays that Remus liked so much.

Remus chuckled and put down his quill. "And the blokes, as well."

Sirius choked on air, but managed to pass it off as… something. Remus was used to weird behavior from his friend, so he ignored it and went back to writing. "And… which do you prefer?" he asked, trying to keep his voice level as well as trying very hard _not_ to blush, even though Remus couldn't see him.

Remus sighed, turned around, and declared, "_Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind._"

"… More Shakespeare?"

Remus shrugged, "I can't help it. I mean, I have all these people coming up to me and just, quoting it. I find the language just so… _enticing_."

"Only you, Remy," laughed Sirius. He wished he could quote Shakespeare, and Remus would be so impressed, he'd surely sweep Sirius off his feet …_That was it! _Sirius would find some Shakespeare to quote, and Remus would love him forever and ever, and they'd get married and have babi- oh, wait, they couldn't. Well, they could always adopt. Or steal James' children when he wasn't looking. Sirius sighed dreamily, thinking about if Remus would make a good husband and dad.

"…Sirius?" asked Remus, looking at him oddly. "You okay, mate?"

Sirius grinned at him. "Never better, Remy. So, tell me, which plays have people quoted from?"

"Taking an interest, I see."

Sirius shrugged.

"Well, there were some from _Romeo and Juliet, _a few from _A Midsummer Night's Dream, _and I think there was some _Othello, _as well as some _King Lear, _and maybe some _Much Ado About Nothing_. Why?"

"Just interested, I guess. Did anyone quote your favorite?"

"No, no one quoted _Hamlet_. It's a little sad, because I think that it's a wonderful play, possibly his best. Oh well, I can't really complain, can I?"

"No, you don't get to. Um, Remus, I was wondering…" This was the time to execute his master plan! Mwahaha! …So why the _fuck _was he so tongue-tied?

"Yes, Siri?"

"Well, I know you like this Shakespeare fellow and his writing, and, I was wondering what all the fuss is about." …That would work. Poor, unsuspecting, sexy Remus.

"It gets you, Pads. No matter who you are, or where you come from, it gets you. The language, the stories, the characters, it's… it's just beautiful. And then his sonnets, oh, they're gorgeous. Want me to read one to you?"

"No, but, um, if you have a copy of some, I'll read them on my own. And, I guess _Hamlet _too," said Sirius as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He had to pull this off perfectly, after all. Otherwise they couldn't ride off into the sunset together on an iridescent dragon! And Sirius was _so _looking forward to it.

Remus stared at him for a minute, but didn't say anything. Then, he got up, walked to his trunk, and bent over. He rummaged around in there for a while, and handed Sirius two books, but not before Sirius got a very good view of Remus' arse. _Stop drooling, _he admonished himself. Then Remus tood up and handed him a two books. "Here, Sirius. Um, enjoy. I have to go find Lily so we can go over our Prefect duties. D'you think she'll get Head Girl next year?"

"Probably. And you'll be Head Boy, of course."

"I don't think so," said Remus. "Well, I'm going to be off. Enjoy, Pads."

"I'll try," said Sirius. He flopped down onto his bed, opened _Hamlet_, and began to read.

…

"Can I read _Romeo and Juliet_ next?" asked Sirius. He'd just finished _Hamlet_, and wanted to read another play. Remus was right, the author was a genius.

"Sure, Pads. Developing a crush on the Bard?" asked Remus, raising an eyebrow.

"No?" said Sirius uncertainly. He felt his face grow hot under Remus' scrutiny.

The other eyebrow raised.

"Maybe? … Okay, yes," admitted Sirius.

"Here you are, Pads. But, you owe me."

"Oh, how will I ever make it up to you?" asked Sirius dramatically. He placed a hand over his heart. "Tell me, for I must know. I cannot bear it."

Remus smirked, and answered, "Sexual favors." Then he winked and walked away, leaving Sirius staring after him, panting.

**… **

While Sirius was reading, all he could think about was Remus. He'd admitted to himself that he liked the boy, and that he was jealous of the others who could declare their love/lust/whatever it was for Remus out in the open. He was on Act II, scene ii of _Romeo and Juliet_, when he decided something.

He would tell Remus how he felt. And he would use Shakespeare to do it.

…

"So, is there any reason you wanted to talk, Pads?" asked Remus. He and Sirius were alone, in the dorm. James and Peter were in detention for another two hours, so Sirius decided it was the perfect time to tell Remus. Remus was sitting on Sirius' bed, while Sirius was standing by the door.

"Yeah, actually, there is. Um, remember when I asked you if you liked blokes or birds? Well, I sort of like blokes. Remus, I'm gay. I'm a poof, a ponce, a shirt lifter, a fairy!" he said, as he watched for Remus' reaction.

"I knew it," mumbled Remus.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked Sirius. He couldn't quite hear what Remus had said.

"I knew it, Pads. You obsess over your hair, you overcompensate with girls, you flounce around, and you're definitely in touch with your feminine side. I mean, guyliner, really?"

Sirius just stared, dumbstruck. Then, he snapped out of it and said defensively, "People find it attractive!" _Focus, Sirius! _ "Well, did you guess the other half?"

"I can try. Let's see, you're in love with James?"

"No, I have better taste."

"Peter?"

"Um, no."

"Snape?"

"Do you know me at _all? _I hate the slimy git," remarked Sirius as he pretended to gag.

"Methinks he doth protest too much," laughed Remus.

Remus was so adorably oblivious. "Remus, it's you."

"Me? Why me?" Remus seemed startled, like he was unaware of the effect he had on Sirius.

"Why not you?" countered Sirius. Then, he added, "Remus, I love you."

"I… I don't believe you, Padfoot. I seriously doubt you're in love with me." Remus looked down and away, his left hand wrapped around his right forearm. He looked so fucking adorable and sexy and snoggable, and Sirius just couldn't take it.

He cleared his throat, and crossed the room. He placed one hand under Remus' chin, and tilted it so that he could stare directly into Remus' amber eyes. "_Doubt that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move his aides, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love," _quoted Sirius.

"Shakespeare," breathed Remus.

Sirius scooted closer. "_Hamlet,_" he responded.

Remus smiled, and replied, "I love you too, Siri. Always have."

Sirius grinned, and closed the distance between the two. Remus smiled against his lips, and then ran his tongue lightly over Sirius' lip, alternating between sucking and nibbling. Sirius moaned, and Remus was about to further explore Sirius' mouth when the door opened with a bang.

There stood Peter, out of detention. He was, for some odd unbeknownst reason, holding a stool. There was a minute's pause, where Peter just stared. Then, the stool opened its… (mouth?) and began yelling, "SIRIUS BLACK YOU CHEATING BASTARD! I WILL HEX OFF YOUR BITS!"

Sirius laughed, spelled the door shut, and pulled Remus in for another kiss.

He totally got why Remus liked Shakespeare. Just as long as he didn't love the Bard more than Sirius, he was totally fine with Remus' fetish. Plus, it _was _kind of hot.

…

**A/N: I rather quite like this. I'm out of school (YAY!). Well, I have been for a while, but I've been working on this, tweaking it, and trying to get it **_**just **_**right. Anyway, I like this. So, what'd you all think? Funny? Bad? Good? Scarring? Review? Please? Por favor? Per favore? Pakiusap? Sil vous plait? Bitte? Παρακαλώ? Le do thoil? Placet? Please? **

**Oh, and don't forget to wish Padfoot's Blondie a very happy birthday! (Seriously, do it!) **

**So, um, review? :D**


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